I carry your heart with me. I carry your heart in my heart. -e.e. cummings

Not quite sure why...but I feel the need to purge these thoughts and events. I've written in my journal, but I feel like I need more. It's hard to focus on what to do next.

Wednesday the 14th was my OB appointment, I was at 16 weeks -so I figured it would be like every other appointment....heartbeat check, etc....I was excited bc I knew the dr would talk about setting up the appointment to find out boy or girl.
I made the appointment for 1pm because Jax had a dentist appt that morning. After he was done, I went to the school and did some volunteer work in the teachers workroom. I finished there at noon, stopped by Sonic for a Coke Zero to try to ease my aching headache.
I got to my appt 15 mins early, the nurse took me back and as I was stepping on the scale and feeling proud for only gaining 2lbs, the nurse asked if I had been feeling the baby move and I had to pause and think when the last time was, so I answered "not too much".
She put me in the exam room and came back a few minutes later with the doppler to check for the heartbeat.

Poor lady....she tried and tried but couldn't get a heartbeat....so she said not to worry, she'd be right back, the doctor will be much better at finding a heartbeat, at this far along the baby likes to find places to hide and it makes it hard to find the heartbeat.

A second nurse came in, she searched and searched with no luck...she even pressed in deep trying to find it. The doctor came in and gave it a try, too. With no luck. So she went next door to borrow an ultrasound machine (the office I go to appointments at isn't her big office,  so they don't have their own US machine).  She brought in a machine that looked like it was from 1985. It showed images but had no sound....and she couldn't find what would likely be the heartbeat.  So she stopped, told me to not worry yet but to head over to their big office in Ft Worth and see the Sonograper with the good machine.  

So I did. I cried the whole way there, it's a miracle I even found my way.

I called James and he met me there. 

We were quickly called back, put into a room. The sono tech came and got us and performed the quickest, quietest ultrasound I've ever experienced. I was watching the screen and could tell she wasn't finding any good news for us. The baby was curled up with its back to us. That beautiful heartbeat sound never touched our ears. She quickly finished up and sent us back to the other room.

We waited for an eternity. I knew the answer already and found it hard to breathe. And right as I was sure I would pass out, another Dr came in, Dr Neville. What a hard thing to do. She came in and said "I'm sorry" and we finally knew for certain. 

She let us know that our 16 week old baby was only measuring 13 weeks. And that usually something chromosomal caused the fetal demise. We could find that out if we sent the baby to the lab after being removed from my body. 

Dr Neville mumbled our choices at us.  My biggest regret to the point is not asking her to repeat these choices and explain each one again for us. How do you even make the decision? I needed more information but couldn't wrap my head around anything that was happening. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what was best. 

One option was to have surgery - a D&C, which I later realized would be a suction D&C (queue that horrible abortion expla nation video playing in my head). 

Option number two was to induce labor and birth the baby.

If I was given the chance to redo this whole thing, which I'm glad I can't, what's done is done....I would have chosen option #2. I didn't initially choose it because I wanted to avoid the pain of labor. Even tho either choice would cause pain...I thought that actually giving birth would just be unbearable.

But do you know what's unbearable? Not being able to see or touch or hold your sweet baby. Not knowing where thay baby is...or worse, knowing that parts of my baby are in a plastic bag somewhere, waiting to be analyzed. That. That is unbearable.

I didn't even know it was an option to be able to spend a few moments with the body of my child, until I got home and was reading about another mothers unfortunate experience. 

I do realize that the body is just a body....the spirit of my child is safely in Heaven. The first thing my child saw was our brother, Jesus Christ. And that at this very moment, my child is being held and loved by Grandma's and Grandpa's and family members waiting in paradise. 

I'm thankful for my testimony of the Gospel. The Gospel that has taught me my whole life about the Plan of Salvation. A Gospel with living Prophets who have taught about what happens when our children are taken from us too early....that life begins at conception and even tho we never held our baby outside of the womb, we will one day be able to raise that child in the eternities to come. 

This knowledge has lifted me out of the despair that has come, especially when making the decision to have surgery and not getting that first last glimpse.  

Wednesday afternoon & night were spent in a daze. Having to tell the kids was more than I could handle, so James took over that task. Thank heavens for a man like him.

A friend from church came and got the kids and took them swimming. Such sad faces they had after being told the baby was gone. 

We all got up on Thursday the 15th bright and early to get ready for school.  Together, James and I took them to school and stayed for a bit to watch the spelling bee being held that morning.  Both Aubree and Bella participated. Bella even won for her grade and will be moving on to compete in the district spelling bee. A bright spot on a dreary day.

We got to the hospital,  Harris Southwest, at our checkin time, 930. The surgery was scheduled for 1130.

They got me all ready....gown, funky socks, wrapped my legs in these circulator things,  started my IV -first with saline, then after meeting the anesthesiologist, they added in a relaxer that kicked in nice and fast. We spoke with Dr Butler, she told us about what the surgery would entail and answered our questions about being able to see the baby after the procedure. She was a little vague as to how the suctioning part of the procedure would bring the baby out. So, I'm choosing to stop my thought process there. 

It's amazing how fast surgery goes...one minute your there on the table, the next you're waking up,  thinking you're still on the first table. 

When I was waking up I had the overwhelming feeling to thank Dr Bulter for holding and kissing our baby goodbye for us. I had an image in my mind of her leaning down to kiss my baby on the head. But as I thought about that more, I just know that it wasn't her....that it was my Grandpa Jones holding my precious child, welcoming my child into their loving presence. I feel like I was allowed a little glimpse past the veil.

I gradually woke up. James was brought back to the recovery area. I spent some time sipping water and gagging on saltines and graham crackers. After I peed and woke up enough, they gave me percocet and a ride to the front of the hospital in a wheelchair. 

I was advised to only eat simple things like crackers, broth and soup for the rest of the day...so we got Jason's Deli to take home. We got home just in the nick of time, where I promptly threw up all of the water, saltines, graham crackers and percocet. Fun times.

I was able to sleep the rest of the day away. Wonderful sleep.

And wonderful friends who took care of my kids after school and wonderful friends who brought us dinner. Wonderful family who sent flowers from afar. It's amazing how when horrible things happen, your support system steps up and helps. I'm so grateful for every one of them!

It's gonna take time, but we will heal. It's hard not to spend the day sad and crying. 

In about a month we will find out whether it was a boy or girl and if it was a chromosomal issue that cause the demise. I look forward to that day so that we can give our child a name....a way to properly remember. 

I'm afraid I'll forget. I don't want to forget. 

!