Sunday, November 1, 2015
I am 2 weeks 3 day post-D&C. 2 weeks and 4 day since my appointment. It's hard to say "I had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago" like I did at CareNow this morning (I have strep...yay! Cause I haven't had a hard enough time!). Going thru the questionnaire with the nurse and I had to tell her that and it just made me tear up, like I almost couldn't hold back the dam of tears! It was so odd bc I usually mention the miscarriage to people here and there once a day.
Anyways....just proves that it's hard getting to where it is easier. The feeling is never going to be gone....but I know that it will be easier one day.
Last Friday, a week ago, the doctor called with the results from the tissue samples from the baby.
It was a boy.
And there wasn't anything wrong with him. They don't have a reason for his demise. That was a little hard to hear. Cause the 'blame' is unknown...so since he was in MY womb, I must have done something wrong. Everyone says "oh no no no, you can't say that, we just don't know" but no amount of words takes the pain and guilt away.
So we want to give him a name. Which is so so hard. Picking out names is difficult to begin with...but what name do you give a child that just needs to be remembered?
James and I started to talk about it. I like the name Michael, which is James' middle name...I like it because it means something and the name is a part of us. We even asked the kids the question...we told them it was a boy and asked what they thought a good name would be. Jax suggested Jack. Ha. Aubree said Thomas and Bella agreed with her.
So I'm thinking we may name him Thomas Michael. But then what....there's no naming ceremony....no birth certificate....no blessing. We just declare to the universe, like Michael Scott... "I declare my baby's name is Thomas Michael!!" Shout it to the heavens!
Friday, October 16, 2015
Not quite sure why...but I feel the need to purge these thoughts and events. I've written in my journal, but I feel like I need more. It's hard to focus on what to do next.
Wednesday the 14th was my OB appointment, I was at 16 weeks -so I figured it would be like every other appointment....heartbeat check, etc....I was excited bc I knew the dr would talk about setting up the appointment to find out boy or girl.
I made the appointment for 1pm because Jax had a dentist appt that morning. After he was done, I went to the school and did some volunteer work in the teachers workroom. I finished there at noon, stopped by Sonic for a Coke Zero to try to ease my aching headache.
I got to my appt 15 mins early, the nurse took me back and as I was stepping on the scale and feeling proud for only gaining 2lbs, the nurse asked if I had been feeling the baby move and I had to pause and think when the last time was, so I answered "not too much".
She put me in the exam room and came back a few minutes later with the doppler to check for the heartbeat.
Poor lady....she tried and tried but couldn't get a heartbeat....so she said not to worry, she'd be right back, the doctor will be much better at finding a heartbeat, at this far along the baby likes to find places to hide and it makes it hard to find the heartbeat.
A second nurse came in, she searched and searched with no luck...she even pressed in deep trying to find it. The doctor came in and gave it a try, too. With no luck. So she went next door to borrow an ultrasound machine (the office I go to appointments at isn't her big office, so they don't have their own US machine). She brought in a machine that looked like it was from 1985. It showed images but had no sound....and she couldn't find what would likely be the heartbeat. So she stopped, told me to not worry yet but to head over to their big office in Ft Worth and see the Sonograper with the good machine.
So I did. I cried the whole way there, it's a miracle I even found my way.
I called James and he met me there.
We were quickly called back, put into a room. The sono tech came and got us and performed the quickest, quietest ultrasound I've ever experienced. I was watching the screen and could tell she wasn't finding any good news for us. The baby was curled up with its back to us. That beautiful heartbeat sound never touched our ears. She quickly finished up and sent us back to the other room.
We waited for an eternity. I knew the answer already and found it hard to breathe. And right as I was sure I would pass out, another Dr came in, Dr Neville. What a hard thing to do. She came in and said "I'm sorry" and we finally knew for certain.
She let us know that our 16 week old baby was only measuring 13 weeks. And that usually something chromosomal caused the fetal demise. We could find that out if we sent the baby to the lab after being removed from my body.
Dr Neville mumbled our choices at us. My biggest regret to the point is not asking her to repeat these choices and explain each one again for us. How do you even make the decision? I needed more information but couldn't wrap my head around anything that was happening. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what was best.
One option was to have surgery - a D&C, which I later realized would be a suction D&C (queue that horrible abortion expla nation video playing in my head).
Option number two was to induce labor and birth the baby.
If I was given the chance to redo this whole thing, which I'm glad I can't, what's done is done....I would have chosen option #2. I didn't initially choose it because I wanted to avoid the pain of labor. Even tho either choice would cause pain...I thought that actually giving birth would just be unbearable.
But do you know what's unbearable? Not being able to see or touch or hold your sweet baby. Not knowing where thay baby is...or worse, knowing that parts of my baby are in a plastic bag somewhere, waiting to be analyzed. That. That is unbearable.
I didn't even know it was an option to be able to spend a few moments with the body of my child, until I got home and was reading about another mothers unfortunate experience.
I do realize that the body is just a body....the spirit of my child is safely in Heaven. The first thing my child saw was our brother, Jesus Christ. And that at this very moment, my child is being held and loved by Grandma's and Grandpa's and family members waiting in paradise.
I'm thankful for my testimony of the Gospel. The Gospel that has taught me my whole life about the Plan of Salvation. A Gospel with living Prophets who have taught about what happens when our children are taken from us too early....that life begins at conception and even tho we never held our baby outside of the womb, we will one day be able to raise that child in the eternities to come.
This knowledge has lifted me out of the despair that has come, especially when making the decision to have surgery and not getting that first last glimpse.
Wednesday afternoon & night were spent in a daze. Having to tell the kids was more than I could handle, so James took over that task. Thank heavens for a man like him.
A friend from church came and got the kids and took them swimming. Such sad faces they had after being told the baby was gone.
We all got up on Thursday the 15th bright and early to get ready for school. Together, James and I took them to school and stayed for a bit to watch the spelling bee being held that morning. Both Aubree and Bella participated. Bella even won for her grade and will be moving on to compete in the district spelling bee. A bright spot on a dreary day.
We got to the hospital, Harris Southwest, at our checkin time, 930. The surgery was scheduled for 1130.
They got me all ready....gown, funky socks, wrapped my legs in these circulator things, started my IV -first with saline, then after meeting the anesthesiologist, they added in a relaxer that kicked in nice and fast. We spoke with Dr Butler, she told us about what the surgery would entail and answered our questions about being able to see the baby after the procedure. She was a little vague as to how the suctioning part of the procedure would bring the baby out. So, I'm choosing to stop my thought process there.
It's amazing how fast surgery goes...one minute your there on the table, the next you're waking up, thinking you're still on the first table.
When I was waking up I had the overwhelming feeling to thank Dr Bulter for holding and kissing our baby goodbye for us. I had an image in my mind of her leaning down to kiss my baby on the head. But as I thought about that more, I just know that it wasn't her....that it was my Grandpa Jones holding my precious child, welcoming my child into their loving presence. I feel like I was allowed a little glimpse past the veil.
I gradually woke up. James was brought back to the recovery area. I spent some time sipping water and gagging on saltines and graham crackers. After I peed and woke up enough, they gave me percocet and a ride to the front of the hospital in a wheelchair.
I was advised to only eat simple things like crackers, broth and soup for the rest of the day...so we got Jason's Deli to take home. We got home just in the nick of time, where I promptly threw up all of the water, saltines, graham crackers and percocet. Fun times.
I was able to sleep the rest of the day away. Wonderful sleep.
And wonderful friends who took care of my kids after school and wonderful friends who brought us dinner. Wonderful family who sent flowers from afar. It's amazing how when horrible things happen, your support system steps up and helps. I'm so grateful for every one of them!
It's gonna take time, but we will heal. It's hard not to spend the day sad and crying.
In about a month we will find out whether it was a boy or girl and if it was a chromosomal issue that cause the demise. I look forward to that day so that we can give our child a name....a way to properly remember.
I'm afraid I'll forget. I don't want to forget.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
We have a group of friends...five families all together. We love these friends...we are as close as family! We love hanging out with these friends...our kids all get along, which is a miracle basically. There's 17 kids when we all get together...it's a madhouse, but they like each other and look forward to being around each other.
So for awhile we've talked about going to the beach all together....then the Eldredges moved to Houston and we had even more reason to go!
So we loaded up the car and headed to Houston! We stayed Friday thru Sunday.
On Friday, we girlies took Stacie out for her birthday. It's tradition to celebrate birthdays!
Saturday we spent the day at the beach. The kids were all in sunburnt heaven.
And then after hanging out for lunch on Sunday, we headed back home.
I hope we make this a tradition, cause what a fun time was had by all!!
Mid-summer, about July 22nd, we found out we are gonna add another seat at the table.
A new baby, can you believe it?!
We thought we were done....an easy thought for me, Jax was a little rough and made it easy to throw up our hands and say "Done!"
Then that feeling came....the not-done feeling. At one point, I had 3 people in one week say to me "I thought you had 4 kids". I started to look for that 4th kid.
That was about 10 months prior to the positive test...when the feeling started. Month after month we were disappointed. Looking back now, tho, of course Heavenly Father's timing worked out just like it should have. Those 10 months were probably some of the most stressful I'd ever been thru....deciding to move, signing on the new house, getting the old house in order, moving into the yucky townhouse, deciding to do day camp- then deciding not to do day camp, bring released from primary and trying to do a smooth transition with that, driving to the old house 2-3 days a week, mowing and sweating at the old house - lifting the day mower in and out of the van. All of these things....duh! Stress is so harmful and I kept myself in a balled up, stressful state for so many months.
So, even with tears every month, the end result finally came, when all was calm.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
When the love of your life says "you should start your blog up again" you basically have to comply!
Why did I let it go so long?? Time. Oh that wicked thing called Time. Never enough in the day!
When I started this blog it was 2007...I worked from home on the computer and had alot of time to sit and write, I also only used a blackberry phone, which took lame pictures. Thinking of it, my digital camera was pretty lame too! Plus the use of Facebook and my love for Instagram made blogging feel redundant!
Nowadays, I've got plenty of time...just alot more lazy. I've got a portable tablet and this awesome Samsung Note phone that is so ginormous and easy to type on! I also have a little older children who are involved in sports...so I spend a lot of time sitting and waiting!
Why not dust off this old blog and catch up?
I've got so many cute recorded things of the girls....but hardly anything of Jax! So it's time to remedy that! So I'm going to do my best to keep it up....and record some events that have happened in the past, too!!
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Love that girl.
I especially love that they love music so much... music is so important, it's calming, it brings the Spirit into our home, and lesson taking helps them learn the beauty of practicing and how practicing really does make perfect.
She's kind and encouraging. I couldn't ask for a better person to teach them!
Aubree played Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer and Angels We Have Heard on High
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Her final standing was 22 out of 45.
We got to our hotel on the beach after dark.... just in time to see some fireworks in the distance.