Sunday, November 1, 2015

Sometimes I don't know how to feel.

I am 2 weeks 3 day post-D&C. 2 weeks and 4 day since my appointment. It's hard to say "I had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago" like I did at CareNow this morning (I have strep...yay! Cause I haven't had a hard enough time!). Going thru the questionnaire with the nurse and I had to tell her that and it just made me tear up, like I almost couldn't hold back the dam of tears! It was so odd bc I usually mention the miscarriage to people here and there once a day. 

Anyways....just proves that it's hard getting to where it is easier. The feeling is never going to be gone....but I know that it will be easier one day. 

Last Friday, a week ago, the doctor called with the results from the tissue samples from the baby.
It was a boy.
And there wasn't anything wrong with him. They don't have a reason for his demise. That was a little hard to hear. Cause the 'blame' is since he was in MY womb, I must have done something wrong. Everyone says "oh no no no, you can't say that, we just don't know" but no amount of words takes the pain and guilt away.

So we want to give him a name. Which is so so hard. Picking out names is difficult to begin with...but what name do you give a child that just needs to be remembered? 

James and I started to talk about it. I like the name Michael, which is James' middle name...I like it because it means something and the name is a part of us. We even asked the kids the question...we told them it was a boy and asked what they thought a good name would be. Jax suggested Jack. Ha. Aubree said Thomas and Bella agreed with her. 

So I'm thinking we may name him Thomas Michael. But then what....there's no naming birth blessing. We just declare to the universe, like Michael Scott... "I declare my baby's name is Thomas Michael!!" Shout it to the heavens!

It amazes me how many women have gone thru a miscarriage. 1 in 4. That's crazy odds. Even in my circle of friends, I didn't know it had happened to them or I did, but we never chatted about it. But I've had the chance to do that now and it feels SO good to talk to someone who has gone thru all these feelings I'm experiencing.  I feel like it makes the 3 in 4 very very uncomfortable and sad. And we don't want to live sad lives! I know I don't...I truly don't want to be sad. So it's lovely to talk with someone who doesn't feel the uncomfortable sadness....but weeps the same heartbroken, yet strong sadness. That doesn't make much sense....but there's nothing like weeping with a friend who gets it.

I think about this child alot. 
I think alot about the child in its spiritual sense.
Like the feeling he was welcomed to Heaven by grandparents and loved ones passed. 

A few weeks back (taking a look back at the calendar, this happened during my 12th week of pregnancy, so just before the baby stopped growing) I went with some Relief Society Sisters to the temple. During the session, I had a thought about something I'd never thought of before. And as soon as it entered my mind, then it was gone and I spent two weeks trying to figure out what that thought had been! a sacrament meeting,  the week before they didn't find the heartbeat,  it clicked and I remembered. The oddest thing.
The thought was about what our loved ones are doing after they die, waiting for us in Heaven. 
I go to this scripture in Alma often.
Alma 40:11-12

So I know that when someone dies, especially an innocent child, they are in that state of happiness. 
But the thought I had in the temple was about what they're doing while in this state of happiness...and it came to me that they are doing missionary work....working with all those who didn't get a chance to hear the Gospel on earth or maybe passed up that chance. We do their work on our side in the temple- baptisms for the dead, endowments, sealings...all the necessary, saving ordinances....but on the other side someone has to be working with them, helping them understand, guiding them.
My grandparents, my uncle, my cousin's children, now my unborn child-who did indeed have a body- that is what they're doing. They're needed for this task. 
I don't know why I've gotten so obsessed with this...why I need to know where he is, what he's doing...maybe because I'm a hover mother, maybe because I want a reason for not being able to be mother to this child on earth. This child that I prayed for, that I wanted so desperately!
Then I got to thinking about the 1 in 4 women who lose a baby....that's SO many children not on our side of the veil. Where do they go after they've gotten their body here on earth. Why so many? In my mind, it helps me to think that they and my son were needed, whether for missionary work beyond the veil or for some other task. That it's not a senseless thing that has happened.
 This gives my heart some comfort. 


Danielle said...

i love you and am so in awe of you!